Monday, January 21, 2013

The rules.

Apparently,those,are the rules.
The rules of which you're to follow if you're a cyclist.
Now,I don't really consider myslef a cyclist.Sure,I work at a shop,own three bikes,ride on occasion,and spend most of my free time looking at cycling related things on the interweb,but i'm not a cyclist.A cyclist to me,involves having a beard,wearing a slightly oversized and completely worn out kit,complete with a Giro helmet from 17 years ago and those weird Shimano SPD compatable hiking boot shoes,and riding some sort of Trek road bike from the mid 90's to very early 2000's.Then there's the other side of "cyclist" that I see.You often see these folk riding out in shitty weather conditions,wearing a factory ass team kit with under helmet cap included,riding an old-ish carbon Look or mid 2000's Specialized Allez.They're running a Power Tap rear wheel,typically laced to an Open Pro,have on whatever pair of Oakleys Cavendish is wearing,and they always,always,always bring in their bike dirt bag filthy and need it while they fucking wait.I call those cyclists "fucking nerds."Why? Because they are.They think riding in the rain makes you "hard."They race crits,albiet in 32-39 Cat.3,and they have no idea how to work on their bike,but they do anyway.Said rules,are for the affore mentioned "cyclist".

I read through these rules and a couple jumped out at me at proving that these are written by and ment for,complete full-blown,fucking Joes.

Rule#5-No.I won't.I hate riding in the wind and I refuse to ride in the rain because I hate spending hours trying to track down the new creek my bike developed.Also,I have shitty wrists and knees.Fuck you if you ever tell me to "Harden up" if I refuse a ride.

Rule #9-It doesn't.It means you hate yourself,your bike,and being healthy.

Rule#18-Wrong.Any lycra for the road bike,baggies for anything over 4'' of travel,skin suits for any important or big race on any sort of bicycle.

Rule#23-The tuck is for any paved downhill.Aero=faster.Ex,F1 cars are aero as fuck.

Rule#24-Nope,this is America,Chief.

Rule#27-The taller the better.Ankle and lower is out.

Rule#28-Black,black,and black only.

Rule#32-They're never "cool",I can't store everything I need for a solo Downieville trip in jersey pockets,though.

Rule#37-Mine don't fit if I do that,so fuck you.

Rule#60-So it's a pain in the ass to get a pump on and off,also crooked valve stems are in,considering none of you Joes know how to install your own tube properly.

Rule#65-Don't.Just don't.Because you don't know how.Also,wiping your chain down and Windexing the main tubes of your bike isn't maintanince.


Rule#73-The fuck outta here.Here's how it should be if it's a road bike,with commonly placed cable stops.Right shifter cable into right cable stop with just enough length to allow the front wheel to hit the 90 degree turn mark and goes INBETWEEN headtube and front brake cable,mirror that on the left(barrel adjuster included),cables should NEVER cross under the down tube.Front brake housing cut to sit right below stem faceplate,rear brake cable housing cut to run infront of headtube into correct cable stop on the left side of the top tube.

Now maybe,just maybe if you would listen to TEAM DUMPED! and not a bunch of Merckx loving dick gymnasts you wouldn't look like a dork and you'd actually have fun on your bike.


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